"You're letting him eat pizza? Cheese is a known phlegm producer!" --- Raymond's mom, Everybody Loves Raymond

Mom: "How's the pie?"
Uncle Spider: "Very chocolatey. It'd make a pimple go on strike."

Dad: "Hey, did you know NASA landed that thing on that asteroid?"
Me: "NEAR?"
Dad: "No, on it!"

"Help! I'm falling at a 60 degree angle, breaking all the laws of physics!" --- Tom Servo, MST3K: Pumaman

[chat]
Inanna gnaws on a can of whipped cream.
Me: "Might want to open the can first, there...."
Inanna: "But then it'll come out."
Me: "Oh, I thought you wanted the whipped cream. No, you don't want to open it if you're just gnawing.... My bad. ^.^ "
Inanna nods. "Well, if it comes out, it'll probably be in a high-velocity expanding sphere of creamy terror." ^^

"I've always found that sticking your fingers in your ears and humming loudly solves a whole lot of problems." --- Brig. Gen. Jack O'Neill, Stargate: SG-1

"Don't let a suitcase full of cheese be your big fork and spoon." --- Raymond's mom, Everybody Loves Raymond

No complaints! I’ll take anything I can get: weapons...receivers...silverware...." --- O'Neill, Stargate SG-1

Young(?): "You’re taking food from the kids’ trays?!"
Doug: "Yeah. They don’t eat it--they just move it around."

"Your family is coming dangerously close to being a Frasier episode." --- Sandy Bauer (repeating what someone else said about her family)

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." --- Steven Wright

"I used to wake up at 4:00 am and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness." --- James Thurber

"Planning a film is like planning an invasion, only not so much fun." --- someone at my apartment complex

"No more Mr. Nice Gaius!" --- Gaius Baltar, Battlestar Galactica

"Wake up and smell the psychosis." --- Six, Battlestar Galactica