"No one has ever toasted me with a nacho shard [before]."

"For the purpose of this calculation, two equals eight."

"Dust and molecular gas are best friends."

[after getting into Jane's car] "This is the Blue Straggler. It's called the Blue Straggler because 1) it's blue and 2) it straggles. We thought it would have moved off the Main Sequence and exploded by now...."

"This music rocks to the Nth+1 degree!"

We started talking about the Spitzer proposal and ended up talking about toilet paper. Just goes to show that when you start talking about proposals, everything just goes to crap.

"Have verbal diarrhea."

"Racoons and professors are very similar. They both like shiny things."

"Know anything about peasants and the making of postcolonial Mexico and Peru?"
"Peasants are typically found on fire."
"I think you've been on Homestar Runner a bit too much, my dear...."

“The best way to turn something upside down is to keep picking it up and dropping it.”

“I just called my best friend a beaver.”
“That’s okay. Just don’t call me Jayne.”
[later]
“I’m sorry, but I have to call you Jayne for that.”
“Nooooooo!!!”

“Semi-legal: where I’m actually doing the pirating.”

“Present-tense evil!”

“Then that must mean if you’re in a shin guard, then Mal must be in a dress.”

[answering the phone] “Point-nine-meter--I mean...Steward Dome....”

“The problem is, hummingbirds don’t live that long...and they’re kind of shiny.”

“Are you taking your bike with you?”
“Where?”
“Back to Germany.”
“No! I want to burn it here!”

“Wait. Tetris ends?!”

“He’s chanting about marshmallows?”

“Stuffed with bunnies!”

“I need double-stick tape! The kind that’s only sticky on one side!”

“Wayne! Shush! You’re scaring the bouncy ball!”

“Be careful. You’ll bring out the evil, evil side of me. It’s very evil.”

“Wayne, when you scream, people think I’m dying.”

“Mal! It’s time to come in and go to bed! Mal, stop playing on the balcony! Your curfew’s in 15 seconds, young man! Good boy. Now go to bed.”

“Oh, so that’s how you say constipation in Old Icelandic.”

“What other show would have you going back, frame by frame, to see if a character only has four toes?”

“ ‘Only Santa Claus climbs down chimneys.’ [happy giggle] I love Zork!”

“I just followed the guy with the flag!”

“At least I’ve learned to have a life outside of work that isn’t a life.”

“Brr. Argh.”

“It had an editor?? Man should be shot with a round of punctuation.”

[begin great coffee caper]

Guilty Party: “I’m going to make coffee today.”
Witness #1: “Okay.”
Guilty Party: [pause] “Do you know how to do that?”
Witness #1: “What? Make coffee?”
Guilty Party: “Yeah.”
Witness #1: “Nope.”

Guilty Party: “What do I use to measure?”
Witness #2: [dumbfounded] “A spoon?”
Guilty Party: “I don’t have a spoon. [pause] Where’s my spork?”

Guilty Party: “Do I just use water out of the water fountain?”

Guilty Party: “Are you laughing because I’m completely baffled by this process?”

Guilty Party: “How do I know the water’s running through it?”
Witness #2: “When water starts running out.”
Guilty Party: “Oh.”
Witness #2: “Haven’t you ever even seen someone make coffee?”

Guilty Party: “Making coffee is easy.”

Witness #1: “So you got the coffee made?”
Guilty Party: “Yeah.”
Witness #1: “How is it?”
Guilty Party: “Terrible.”

Guilty Party: “Whew, this is sweet.”
Witness #2: “How many packets of Sweet & Low did you put in?”
Guilty Party: [meekly] “Six.”
Witness #2: “You do realize one packet of Sweet & Low is the same as three packets of sugar, right?”
Witness #1: “Well, you can always add more coffee.”

Guilty Party: “This coffee tastes terrible.”
Witness #2: “I blame the Maker.”

[end great coffee caper]

“Bless the Maker and his water....”
“Were you saying that while pouring water into your coffee maker?”
[laughs] “Yes.”

“Be there an ultraviolet interplanetary flyby showering after you plans shatterly without creating infinite distant black hole for me to speed far into radiationable hope long beyond use between million rare scientist at past warp gravity lifeland?” --- magnetic poetry on filing cabinet

“The comma bazooka.”

“That has to be one of the most random men I have ever met.”

"Any color with the word 'burnt' in it is a bit scary, especially when you combine a 'burnt' color with 'plaid.'"

"Kokopelli, you have such a simple life. You just dance and play your flute thing. And hold my keys together. So happy."

"It's little. It's small. It's not a pigeon. Leave it alone."

"Wayne. Death."

"She's a school teacher! She loves tape!" (Of Laura Roslin in Battlestar Galactica)

"I'm a big boson."

"Hello, Mr. Phone. I'm sorry."

"Ah, there's a rat in my belt."

"Windows [Vista] is pretty." [slap SLAP] "Ow, OW!"

"It's not like we know everyone else in America. It's not like Serbia...where there's, like, five of them...and they all play EVE."

"Teaser! Teaser! Not taser!"

"You just haven't experienced Desmond like we have."